S1E9 - In A City of Great Expectations, Is It time To Settle For What You Can Get?

I've never been the kind to settle for what I can get. If I did, I would be married to a guy who would probably have sold me to prostitution because he is too lazy to look for a job. Didn't happen. Or to another guy who was probably a male prostitute at the rate he was going. True story.

'Just settling' is like making a homemade porno flick with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It might seem like a good idea when hormones are doing the thinking but the moment it's up on gutterpost, you're fucked. Literally. So settling for what you can get right now might seem like the most convenient thing to do but is it really? What about 10 years down the road when you start questioning yourself. Or when regret starts creeping in, and all that what ifs start raping your mind? The only thing you would be able to turn back would be your head to see what the hell you married and got yourself into.

It's true that sometimes the dating game can be draining, both mentally and emotionally. And sometimes you just feel sick of all the twat bags you come across that the first decent guy you meet, you feel the need to cling on. Or if you're attached, he might irk you so bad you want to stab him in the eye with a rake. But compared to all the douchebags out there, he suddenly seems... 'passable'. And that's when you decide to settle. Well, if there's a reason for you to take that rake out of the shed in the first place, I'm sure you'll be needing it again when that complacency you have over him being 'passable' subsides in 3 weeks.

So settle a score, settle a debt, settle to the metal, just don't settle with what you can get. You deserve more than that.

But hey, who am I to say anything? My perspectives might change in 5 years when all the decent ones are taken and all that's left are the twat bags I filtered 5 years ago. At that point, I will just settle with batteries.

S1E8 - Were threesomes the new sexual frontier?

Last night, I joined a couple of my friends for the big Man U versus Liverpool match. Forum 19 has been our new hang out as of late, so it was no surprise when K suggested we head there for the match. We met T1 and T2 there. T1 has been a big a fan of Liverpool for as long as I've known her. K's been a fan of the Devils for pretty much the same time. T2 and I…we just sit and watch the game, hoping that at some point Torres' shorts fall of revealing what we ache to see.

Halfway through the match (okay, I lie. 10 minutes into the match) the conversation between T2 and I started wandering in all sorts of directions. Somehow we ended up talking about threesomes.

Like most girls I've spoken to, T2 has two main rules: 1) The boyfriend doesn't get to kiss or make love (because f*ck just seems a little too vulgar) with the "guest star" and 2) The only way he gets to have a girl in the scenario is if somewhere down the line, she gets to include a boy.

In all honesty as much sense as that deal makes, ladies, it's never going to happen. The day a straight man agrees to cross swords is the day Jake Gyllenhaal decides to do a full-frontal scene…with me in it.

T1 on the other hand seemed to like the idea of having a threesome with a woman. A classic argument, she said that only a woman knows how to really pleasure a woman. Somewhere beneath that thick layer of whoretitude lies a lesbian just waiting to be awoken.

It's true that I hang out with people who are open books when it comes to matters about sex, but if I went back in time a little, I'd never have thought that I'd be having this conversation with anyone. The fact everyone seems to have all these things planned - even though they've never actually HAD a threesome - intrigues me. How wondrous the mind is.

A new sexual frontier it may not be, but I'm still getting used to the idea that it's okay for us to talk about while hoping that Torres' pants fall off with 200 people cheering him on.

S1E8 - Were Threesomes The New Sexual Frontier?

Call me selfish. I hate sharing. Be it clothes, my gadgets, food, (certain) information, let alone men. Now why would I want my boyfriend/whoever I'm sleeping with to look at another naked woman other than myself? He's seen me more than enough times, of course additional fresh meat to the platter would seem more appealing. Are you kidding me? If KFC added its 12th herb/spice, I'd be excited!

You would not believe the list of bullshit men are willing to say to get their girlfriends to agree to a threesome. Ones I've gotten and heard are:

1. No kissing between me and her.

2. No penetration between me and her.

3. You pick who you want.

4. Ok, I'll just watch the two of you make out.

So I struck a deal. I said fine, we'll do that. ONLY if you promise I can have a threesome with two guys. And that is exactly why I'm still a threesome virgin. 

If you think having this conversation with a boyfriend is awkward enough, try having it with a friend. What do you say when your girlfriend tells you her boyfriend too suggested a threesome... but he would like that third person to be you. This right here is a red flag. Is she trying to hint something? If she is, it's as weird as the spelling you see in Sungai Wang. And if she's not, you're left feeling awkward like if she were to fart mid sentence. And if you guys are close enough to by pass all that, you don't know how to tell her her boyfriend is a sex fiend. Not to mention he's a retard for even saying something like that to his girlfriend. And that you don't want to hang around him anymore, because it is as awkward as having tea with your rapist.

Let's spice it up a lil and hypothetically say, what if a guy friend asks you to participate with his girlfriend. Now why would I want to see you naked, let alone your girlfriend? If I wanted to see you naked, I would've asked you, like a normal person would. If I wanted to see your girlfriend naked, I would've Facebooked her, like any straight woman who would like to sleep with her friend's straight girlfriend just for fun would. So don't ask me that. I'll tweet you if need be.

Bottom line, what is the hype all about? Personally, I think it's a get out of cheating jail free card. Your partner is not allowed to get mad at you while you eat some woman's Bak Kut Teh when you've been devouring hers all these years. With her watching too! And people, the context was strictly referring to her cooking you Bak Kut Teh everyday because that's your favorite meal, and now she has to watch you eat someone else's cooking and not be offended. It has nothing to do with eating parts of her body and what nots because I would never disrespect Bak Kut Teh that way. Never.

BRB

We apologise for the lack of updates recently. We're both in the midst of playing jetsetters, and posting will resume next week :)

Tell your friends!

S1E7 - In a City Like New York, with Its Infinite Possibilities, Has Monogamy Become Too Much to Ask For?

While I may not live in New York city, the city that I live in has a few things in common with the Big Apple. Both are thriving cities, a fact that mildly cushions the bad traffic, rude people, and expensive lifestyle. And of course, both have people who are in relationships.

At dinner with my friend Farah yesterday, we got to talking about polyamory. If we had this conversation a year ago, I would've been as lost in the conversation as I am when people talk about sports. But last semester, my Histories tutor was an avid practitioner of polyamory, and was extremely vocal about his lifestyle. For those of you are not familiar with it, polyamory is not polygamy (multiple spouses) and it's not the same as being in an open relationship. Polyamory, in a nutshell, is practicing a lifestyle that includes multiple relationships with different people, all of whom are aware of the others.

Why such a topic over dinner when we usually talk about theatre and gossip? Because Farah is dating someone who is polyamorous.

This is the part that I would usually go into a rant about how I miss old-school romance, where there's one man (or woman) for every man (or woman). But if there's anything that I've learned in the past six years, it's that such a thing does not exist. Monogamy has become, to a lot of people, an option. When I'm seeing someone, somewhere between the 10th and 15th date, we have the conversation about exclusivity. As awkward as this conversation may be, it saves a lot of heartache and drama in the future. My stance on it depends on the person I'm dating - if you want to be exclusive, I'm all for it but if you'd like a little leeway, lee away.

Of course there are some who, like me, leave the decision-making to the other person. When faced with such a conundrum, I ask myself, What Would Jesus Barbra Do? Go with the flow. Unless you're completely self-involved, working off what your partner exudes is pretty simple. And when there are no rules to actually follow, it makes things a lot easier.

I'm not advocating open relationships. I'm a sucker for old-school romance. If a guy stood outside my window with a boom box playing my favorite song, my pants would drop faster than a fat kid gorging a KFC bucket. But to me that's what it boils down to. Monogamy is just a rule that people follow to 'keep the peace.' And as alternative as other lifestyles may seem, they too are bound by certain rules. Getting married if you're polyamorous does not work. Not letting your wives know of each other if you're polygamous doesn't work. And sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend when your wife's 'put a ring on it' most definitely doesn't work.

At this point, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm a gay man. Monogamy would sooner be a sex position than an actual point of conversation.

S1E7 - In A City Like New York, With Its Infinite Possibilities, Has Monogamy Become Too Much To Expect?

Monogamy. Polygamy. Twenty years ago, I thought it was a game, a rip off of Monopoly. Ten years ago, I thought it was a shape, a branch out of the polygon. Five years ago, I finally knew the difference and believed monogamy is and will be the only way. Two years ago, I've learned to accept the fact that polygamy is probably a personal life choice these days and I have come to terms with it and embrace it with no judgment.

Notice how everything runs in circles. The world goes round, and if you believe in Buddhism, life is all about birth - death - rebirth, an infinite circle. I would have to say the same goes with history. History repeats itself. 

During the Roman empire, sex was seen as an art form, apart from procreating. Sex was performed on stage, people talked about it like they talk about their children's hate for vegetables. Nudity could be seen in art itself. Sex was as open as everyone's legs. 

Then came the Roman Catholics. They declared everything ancient Roman and ancient Greek pagan. It was a sin. It was deemed satanic. Personally, I think it was a way to control the people. To instill fear and to manufacture a set of rules that they themselves produced so the people would adhere to. So for years and generations, society has been programmed to see sex as something filthy and sinful. 

Which is probably why marriage was generated. So people could sleep with each other legally. And promiscuity could be banished. Another idea about marriage was said to be founded by tribesmen. Where just as they were beginning to learn the value of possession in terms of property and stock, so were women. Marriage was formed to prevent men from fighting over the same woman. So when a man declared a woman his wife, back of, homey! And of course, your property ain't allowed to roam on other mens'.

And just like history, I would like to repeat myself that, history... you got it, repeats itself. One may call it suppression, oppression, mould, call it what you will, but modern society is breaking out of it. Everyone talks about their sex life openly with their friends these days. Sex sells, it's splashed all over the media. But of course, there are limitations to what can or cannot be exhibited in public. But we've come a long way.

So has monogamy become too much to expect? I don't know. This is probably just a twisted way of justifying polygamy. But I believe, when you find the one, all this bullshit will be nothing but the rantings of some nut job who ain't getting any. Or plenty.

S1E6 - How Many of Us Out There Are Having GreatSex with People We're Ashamed to Introduce to Our Friends?

There's this game that I enjoy playing with almost everyone I meet. It's a lot like "Who'd You Rather?," except it only has one question.

"Would you rather sleep with a centerfold who's terrible in bed or a paper bag-face who's got the moves to more than compensate?" My answer to this question would be the former. Why? Because I'm a dude and like all dudes, I've been blessed with the ability to get myself off pretty easily. So with a pretty face over (or under. or next to.) me, I'm pretty sure I can get to a happy ending.

However, the sometimes sad reality of the situation is the total opposite. I'll be the first to admit I'm not God's gift to gay men, but some of the men I've been with…let's just say that before I met them, I never thought I'd ever be with them.

Of course, being a gay man comes with a sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Having sex does not come with any obligations or responsibilities, and thank Cher for that.

There's a rule that states that you should never date your fuck buddy. I'm glad I'm an avid rule-follower, because my fuck buddies aren't exactly people I want to be seen with in public.

It's not that I think they're ugly or uninteresting - like I said, I can never picture myself with them. These people have the strangest sense of humor, and they probably won't get along with my friends. Or maybe it's just what I tell myself to console and suppress and my obviously shallow personality.

But hey, I'm not the only out there bedding someone I'd cover with a bed sheet. I asked my friend Fran* and she feels exactly the same way. Some of the people she takes home may have mad skills in the boudoir, but those skills don't translate in public. "It's like eating at KFC. Notice how differently you dive into your fried chicken at home, and how when you eat it at the franchise itself you act like the world is judging you by the way you eat it? It's the same thing - you enjoy it more in the privacy of your own home, by yourself."

Before writing this I've never wondered about it, but now that I'm in the middle of the piece I can't help but wonder™ (Carrie Bradshaw) if I've ever been someone's secret sex. It's not something I'd ideally like to be, but it's inevitable. If you're the kind of person who makes people laugh when you use yourself and immaculate birth in the same sentence, you've probably been someone's secret sex.

Whether it's him not introducing you to his friends whom you bump into on the street, or him taking you to the restaurant that's filled with people on dates with their secret sex you've definitely been there at least once in your life.

So how do we deal with it? Like we deal with everything else like this. The phrase "do unto to others as you would that they should do unto to you" works in the present tense and the past. You'll probably repeat this cycle with your secret sex partner.

But again I reiterate. This person may be great in bed, but there's a reason you don't take them out in the daylight. So no matter how sad, desperate, or lonely you get do not, by any means, attempt to form a relationship. But if you ever do, please give me a ring. I'd love to hear all about it because I think somewhere down the line, I'll have to answer a question on that topic.

S1E6 - How Many Of Us Out There Are Having Great Sex With People We're Ashamed To Introduce To Our Friends?

Come into my room. Look at my bookshelf. You'll find a bunch of pretentious books. I love reading them. But I love how it makes me look pseudo intelligent even more. And then one night, during a drunken stupor, I start speaking in a Joisy accent and I quote Snooki of Jersey Shore. The fact that you recognize this makes you as guilty as I am. But that's my guilty pleasure. I love trashy TV and I'm not proud to admit it.

We all have skeletons in our closets. I'm running out of room in mine. Here's the thing. There are various reasons why someone would not introduce the person they are sleeping with, even though the sex is awesome. One, he's married or attached. Two, you're married or attached. Three, he's Osama Bin Laden. And four, he didn't like Darwin and decided to evolve halfway from an ape.

I once went out with a 'Three'. No, he doesn't have a beard and loves things that go BANG! Pun intended. Just that everyone hated him - prior to me going out with him. Plus, he had two left feet dancing the horizontal tango, which left me no desire to even broadcast the fact that I was seeing this guy. So why did it matter if my friends knew or not? I guess deep down, I realized it reflected on me. The fact that I'm dating someone that much of a shithead probably makes me that much of a shithead for seeing something in that shithead that must be shit in order for him to be called a shithead. And because they are your friends, you want them to like you for who you've made them believe you are. You've invested all those years, why ruin it now over some shithead?

And then there is that combination of 'One' and 'Two'. The bedroom department might be banging, pun intended. Sometimes you just want to stand on the roof and yell your lungs out because you're that euphoric. And you might want to share it with your friends and introduce this sex god. But the fear of being judged starts creeping in and it will always linger at the back of your mind. You don't want them to think ill of you. Also, seeing that you are a 'One' or 'Two' or a combination of both, it's best if you kept things on the down low. Is it me or does everything reek of double entendres? Jokes aside. You might not be ashamed of what you're doing, but you're ashamed of the outcome and how society perceives you. So what do you do? You keep mum about it. Oh, you also keep her from finding out.

This is what I think. Wouldn't it be or feel great if you could just say "Hi, meet my friend John Jingleheimer Schmidt. By the way, we're fucking and it's awesome!" So don't beat yourself up for being ashamed... just beat off to it. 'Cos trust me honey, it sucks keeping a secret from your friends and it's worse feeling shame.

And lastly, what if the roles were reversed?

S1E5 Where’s the Line Between Professional Girlfriend and Just Plain “Professional”?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no expert at relationships. I’ve had one significant relationship in my life, and the only word I can think of to do it justice is ‘Hindenburg.’

After (and sometimes during) the crash, boom, bang of those four years, I’ve let a lot of men in and out…of my life.

Asking a gay man if he’s ever had sex with a stranger is like asking a woman if she gets cravings during her period. I don’t know if it’s what we’ve learned from pop culture, or whether it’s because there really is a “gay gene,” most gay men are just unable to keep it in their pants. In their defence, I’m speaking from first and second hand experience – of course, not all gay men are whores.

Just last night, I was driving to a bar to watch a friend perform when my phone started ringing. The name that flashed on my screen had an asterisk next to it. And the few people in my phonebook who have asterisks next to their names are men. Go figure.

My co-driver, The Kubster, asked me who that was and I explained that the guy was just someone I met on and off. “On and off? Or in and out?” Leave it to The Kubster to probe with the subtlety of thousand French horns.

It hit me that this wasn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation about the Asterisks Club. And whenever the club comes up, the topic that follows is the one I dread most – the number game. I never know what to think because my number is Switzerland. I’m not Chastity Charice, but nowhere near promiscuous enough for Lifetime to make a TV movie about me. PS: If you haven’t figured out what the number game is, shame on you!


Whenever this water-cooler talk comes up, I can’t help but wonder™ (Carrie Bradshaw) as a gay man, do your numbers define you? If I’m in the single digits does that make me a prude, or does that make me a loyal, almost woman-like lover? And what if I’m in the jaw-dropping tick-box? I don’t want to think that just because I’ve been with a certain amount of people others would start considering me a walking incubus of STDs.

Fortunately, while we gay men are often “gurrllfreennzzz” to our girlfriends, we don’t share anything in this particular predicament. The label ‘gay’ is big enough to wrap around almost every kind of stereotype you find in our little community. If a woman has a lot of partners or sleeps around like a jackrabbit at a carrot party, she’s a whore. If a gay man does the same, he’s “just being a gay man.” If a woman has one or two partners in her lifetime, she’ll be either heralded as the “friend of a friend of a friend who found true love where she least expected it,” or a woman who should’ve been named Prudence. If a gay man does the same, he’s just “being a gay man” but exploring slowly.

Bottom line – it’s good to be gay. Professional boyfriend or just plain professional – the line is so thin that most people just skip from one side to the next as often as they skip from one man to another.

S1E5 - Where's The Line Between Professional Girlfriend And Just Plain "Professional"?

It's a Saturday night. You're at a bar or a club, whichever suits your fancy, and you see this guy you find attractive. Your friends might disagree, but hey, whatever suits your fancy. Seven shots later, you guys are talking. You would exchange phone numbers but that's just cheap. So you exchange emails instead, because that's just a lot classier. You know, by adding each other on Facebook, MSN, MySpace, Twitter, whichever suits your fancy.

Innocent cyber flirting soon turns into full blown cyber sex. So you know the part where it was too cheap to give out your number? Now's probably the time. Here's the thing. What if he called you up and said 

"Come over now. I'm at ..."

Would you do it? I find that most women probably wouldn't. Despite knowing that this is nothing but a booty call, most women want to be wined and dined before taking their panties off. It's the whole idea of being romanced. And also, to be treated with a little more respect. So this is where I wonder, what difference is it than being"professional"? 

A guy once told me, sex is never free. Even if she's not a hooker. You want to sleep or date (and then sleep) with a woman, you have to woo her. You have to play the game and this game is far from free. So technically, all women are whores. That conversation between us didn't end very well. By end, I mean rear end, for my foot was parked in it.

Ever heard the term, to pay in kind? Well, let's face it, women will not jump into bed with a man before foreforeplay. That's everything prior to foreplay. There may not be cold hard cash on the night stand but everything prior to that costs money. I mean yes, we are all capable of paying for our own meals, but when the man offers to pay, that itself is some form of consolation. And because he's such a chivalrous gentleman, would you take your clothes off now?

So where is the the line between professional girlfriend and just plain professional?

The same line that is drawn by social norm. Put a label on it and everything is more justifiable.

She's his girlfriend, so it's OK.

She's not even his girlfriend! What a gold digging whore.

The great thing about labels is, you can put it on and take it off as you like. Unless of course you're a certain Miss Coco Chanel, then you sure as hell would want it on cause that's an extra three grand for you. But that's the beauty of your own brand - attach, detach. Whichever suits your fancy.

S1E4 Are Men in Their 20s the new designer drugs? …I Couldn’t Help But Wonder, What Do They See in Us?

All my life I've always wished that I could attribute a lot of my behaviour to my parents. Whether it’s my blatant camp personality to my mother’s habit of singing along to Streisand, or me dating older men to the possibility that I might have daddy issues.

Not the case, unfortunately. I reap what I sow and that’s only because I sow it myself.

I’ve been dating for longer than I’d like to remember. I say that because you’d think that after all the dates that I’ve been on, at least one of them would’ve stuck around. Alas, I have no such luck. I’m like the Teflon of the dating world.

Almost all the dates I’ve been on and the men that I’ve been in relationships with have been older than me - some significantly older, and some with only a handful of years on me. I’ve never been able to figure out exactly why I’m such an ageist, but I have to admit that I’ve never really given it much thought.

Something else I’ve never given much thought to, is why they date me. But that’s a question that I’ve learned to not touch, even with a ten-foot pole. Until now that is.

I date older men because they are more likely to be on the same wavelength as me. A huge generalisation, yes, but it’s the safest bet. So why is it that they date me? Is it that I’m the mature one or are they weird 30-year-olds, a decade behind themselves? It’s definitely not because I help them feel young again. I’ve been 40 since I was eight, so ‘barking up the wrong tree’ would be the least of their problems.

Just to be clear – when I say ‘older’ men I mean older men, as opposed to ‘old’ men. So when I say that maybe they enjoy having someone they can spoil with their disposable income, I’m referring more towards trophy wives, not daddy buying baby a new fire truck. But that doesn’t make any sense. I may not be shooting Benjamins out of my ass, but I can certainly pick up my own tab. Hell, on a good day I might just be able to pick his up too. That can’t be it now, can it?

I figured the only way to possibly shed some light on this question was to ask one someone I’ve dated. Karl* and I went out for about eight months, and we have about 11 years between us. Karl’s notorious for dating men younger than him. I asked Karl why he went out with me, and what kept us together despite the age difference.

“You were refreshing to go out with. It’s nice to see that there are people so young who are in touch with all things current, but can also contextualise it in a manner not so foreign to us, Gen X.”

So the reason he fancied me was because I was a sort of “Idiot’s Guide.” That’s mighty comforting. And as if that wasn’t enough to burst my little bubble of, “Hey, maybe he just really likes your ass,” he continued:

“Also, it was great that you didn’t have the baggage that seasoned men have. You were pretty easy to handle. No mess, no fuss.”

So is that it? The wisdom beyond my years, my being able to pay for my fuel, and my ability to hold a conversation really fall behind my age? Could it be that no matter how mature I may think I am, at the end of the day I’m just a 20-something guy who makes men feel young and educated on ‘the now?’

As disheartening as it may be, I can’t really complain. While in hetero relationships, women may find the men easy and the men may find the women experienced, in homo relationships the story is just a little different.

I date you because you make me feel like my age is just a number, and that my topics of interest are not ancient. You date me because I’m drama-free and make you feel like your hairline is not receding. That sounds pretty fair.

I scratch your back; you scratch mine - and knowing those gays that’s probably some kinky form of foreplay.

S1E4 - Are Men In Their Twenties The New Designer Drug?…. I Couldn't Help But Wonder, What Do They See In Us?

Excuse me, this face is no where near 35 yet. However, I do have male friends who are dating or have dated older women - and not much complaining there.

So what do they see in older women? Mental and emotional stability. Let's just put it this way, the only clingy thing in older women's' lives right now, is Saran Wrap. Older women are more independent both emotionally and mentally. They have matured from their adolescent days where popularity justifies who you are. They now focus on their careers and don't need a man to validate their self worth. However, I have come across women who never grew out of that phase. They look 40, they dress 30 and behave like they are 20. No, that's not even cougar status. That's Pedophiliac Peter Pan Syndrome. There's a fine line between dating an older woman and an older woman who's clinging on to youth.

Next, we have financial stability. The guys do not feel obligated to pay all the time. I see it as Ego vs. Mummy Issues. Ego because you're a man and you are older, therefore technically, you have been in the work force far longer hence, you are more financially apt to foot the bill. But, if you're dating an older woman, her motherly instincts will want to pamper and spoil you. And subconsciously, you love it and feel no obligation in receiving it. I once had dinner with a younger guy whom I didn't mind paying for, only to have him say "This is why I love older women". And this is why he never saw my face again. Not only has the dating order been revised, so has gender roles. Who are we to say that gold digging only constitutes to women?

Oh how can we not mention the sex. Guys tell me all the time that sex with older women is far more superior than with a high school virgin in white cotton panties. I mean, of course there are older women who don't know the difference between the right and left testicle and there are 13 year olds who bone like they're 35. But in general, men prefer older women because they, the older women, believe starfishes belong in the sea. Not to mention they tend to handle the whole emotional situation much better after that.

As much as younger men are like accessories to older women, older women are like trophies to them - an accomplishment. It's no secret that women have always preferred older men so when these younger guys get with an older woman, to his friends, he's a stud. That, or she's just plain desperate.

S1E3 - Is There A Secret Cold War Between Marrieds and Singles?

You see that lush green lawn over there? Don't you just want to defecate on it?

That's how I see things between the singles and the marrieds. The marrieds want to be single so they gloat about having that other half. The singles want that other half but boasts of great random sexual partners they are enjoying weekly. 

Just last week, 3 friends and I met up for a little get together. Two were Marrieds with kids and then there was... that other two. As the Marrieds went on and on about their husbands and kids, we sat there communicating with our eyes like a bad hookup at a bar. After 40 minutes of diaper comparisons and whose in laws are dumber than the other, I felt like I was in Germany. What the hell are these people talking about? We had to break this language barrier by reminding them of our presence. Said friend and I ended up taking a long stroll to a place where it is filled with shit we actually understood - the restroom.

So why the resentment? We could have just sat there and nodded politely as we wonder if Meredith Grey will die in the next season of Grey's Anatomy. I mean, it IS Grey's anatomy... isn't it? I digress. Could it be that we are jealous? We scoff in disgust at the subject of marriage and babies, but deep down we probably do want that stability. As for me, I envy the ones who are so certain about who they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Now, same lawn, different coordinates.

Then, I receive comments such as "If I were you, I would have done so and so" or "If I were you, I would do such and such". It might come across as arrogant at first. Just because you're a mother now does not give you the right to mother me. I never held my mother's hair back as she puked all over my 200 dollar pair of heels. However, if you read into it, they envy us too. Another Marrieds friend of mine has a list of what she would have done if she weren't tied down. The Bitch-I'm-Better-Than-You in me picked up an envious tone right away. So, as much as they are certain and contented with the life they have, there's always that what if.

What if I didn't marry this bastard and traveled the world?
What if he wore a condom and we didn't have a child and I had taken that job?
What if I waited, would someone better have come along?


What if I married him, would I be less miserable than I am now?
What if I'm married now and didn't have to face loser after loser?

So the next time you see a helicopter tour, take it. Look at that lawn from a birds' eye view. You'll see that it is the same shade of green. The only difference is, when you're standing on either side, you cast a shadow and things might not seem as bright as you'd like it to be, literally. It might even blind certain aspects, so to speak. But trust me, try walking over to the other side of that lawn. That shadow? It ain't going no where.

S1E3 Is There a Secret Cold War Between Marrieds and Singles?

Despite my delusional ideas of a beautiful beach wedding, I’ve always known that unless I move to Canada or Vermont, chances are that no one’s going to “put a ring on it” as far as my fourth finger is concerned.

I’m not saying that I’ll remain single. Not saying that I’ll find someone either, but lets hope that’s not the case. Practically speaking, I’m going to spend the rest of my life in Malaysia, maybe with the man I’ll refer to as my “boyfriend” or “life partner.” It is safe to say that I’ll never know what it’s like to be married.

But hey, why would I need to experience first hand when I’ve got enough friends and second hand experience to virtually go through the whole thing myself?

While I may, for the most part, be part of the “younger crowd,” I’ve always leaned towards forming friendships with people who’ve got a few years on me. I’d like to think it’s because of our similar wavelengths, but truth be told I honestly have no idea why these people are friends with me. They talk about Gaudi and I think we’re having a conversation about different preparations for beef. I digress.

Most of these friends are either married or heading that way. There are the occasional few who are still shopping around and test-driving, but majority have done the old, new, borrowed, and blue.

In today’s world, we face a lot of discrimination. We face racial discrimination, gender discrimination, and some even status discrimination. It’s no surprise that floating in that cesspool is what I like to call the rock discrimination. Cos’ honey, if you ain’t sportin’ a rock on that finger, turn around and walk away.

What is it about single people that married people find so appalling? I mean, you’d think after listening to the go on about their wedding plans, their bad in-laws, his farting in bed, her nagging about everything and that really expensive wedding present that I did not get on sale at Isetan, you would think that the singles would be given some slack? You’re about to embark on the journey of a lifetime and all I get is this piece of cake.

Maybe they feel threatened about single people. Maybe they are worried that the closer someone is, the easier it is for them to pull the rug from under you and the pants from under the belly of their balding husband? Or are they just jealous? The singles get to go out, have a good time, sleep with whomever they want and never have to come home with an explanation. Sure they have that whole “contentment of marriage” and “beauty of making love to the same person” bullshit, but you have to admit that the singles have it just a little better off.

Hell, they have it so well off that they sit at their laptops on Wednesday nights, alone in their apartment, and watching friends while writing a blog entry that no one is going to read. Yeah. That’s definitely it. Keep on being green, married folk. I’m sure you’d rather be doing this.

S1E2 If Models Could Cause Otherwise Rational Individuals To Crumble in Their Presence, Exactly How Powerful Was Beauty?

That whole hullabaloo about beauty being in the eye of the beholder is complete rubbish. Are you telling me that you can find more than 70% of the world’s population that don’t find Brangelina attractive? Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder because the beholder, for the most part, is a pool of universal consensus.

In my experience being smart, funny, and sensitive just doesn’t cut it anymore. If you don’t warrant 10 or more Facebook comments on a photo together, you are not the person I want to date at this moment.

The simplest example would be at a bar. You know, because when singles on the prowl scout a bar, they are looking for inner beauty. They don’t look for the guy with the defined abs and $25 product in their hair. They look for the guy who has a PhD in Film Studies and has intriguing opinions on the signing of the Kyoto protocol, right?

Recently this shallow, but in no way uncommon, behaviour has been cushioned by what has become my favourite excuse since, “It’s not you, it’s me.” It goes something like…

“Sure, it’s important that brains accompany the beauty. But isn’t the beauty the initial attraction?”

I cannot diss that gem of a line because I’ve been guilty of using it on more than one occasion, but just when does this ‘initial attraction’ go past the initial stages?

I live smack in the middle of the city in a country filled with Caucasians. And as much as I hate to stereotype (as you may be able to tell by this bloggationship between a fabulous gay man and his even more fabulous straight woman he sports on his arm) there always has been a little label for older Caucasian men and Asian women who can barely string together sentences.

In a city that over the past five years has become so overpopulated that the average price of a two-bedroom apartment is more than half a million dollars, are there really no eligible, older women? Women who not only wore Versace back when Donatella didn’t look like Joan Rivers, but women who can actually pronounce Versace. Ask said men why they date these young, attractive, and grammatically challenged ladies and they would tell you that it’s easy. That just begs the question, “And what exactly, kind sir, are you referring to?”

While we’re on our high horses, waving our fingers to these scoundrels who only re-enforce the fact that men think with their penises, are we really in any position to judge them? Can we honestly tell ourselves that given the choice, at this point in our lives, we’d pick the guy with the IQ of 120 and not the guy whose chest measures 120 centimetres?

Chances are, you’ll say that you’d like the latter for a quickie at noon and the former for a noon shopping for groceries at Quickie Mart. You do know that such an excuse only exists in a parallel universe where the “initial attraction” excuse is valid, right?

So the next time you squint your big, brown and judgemental eyes, try putting yourself in the old Caucasian man’s shoes. It’s not that hard. After all, all his choices seem to be pretty ‘easy.’

S1E2 - If Models Could Cause Otherwise Rational Individuals To Crumble In Their Presence, Exactly How Powerful Was Beauty?

Many a time I noticed that when a tall woman walks into a room, she commands attention. Not by force. Her aura just exudes confidence. Men and women alike, would turn to look. Sometimes a double take. I guess just like buildings, the taller you are, the more you get noticed.
 
I, on the other hand, never had such privilege. Standing at 5'2, I've been called short. I believe the word is petite, assholes. My point being, tall and gorgeous women tend to get the first look advantage. Would you look at the elephant first or the cute puppy next to it? My point exactly.
 
My friends and I have a name for gorgeous women with nothing in the northern region. We call them Barbies. See, we had this recurring discussion, where men would tell us how they want an intelligent woman by their side. One whom they are not ashamed of to bring around and show off to friends and family. One who would be able to help them career wise and in deciding matters. And of course, one they would be able to carry and have engaging conversations with. But somehow, whenever a Barbie walks through the door, just like the Civil War, the North and South battles. However, in this war, the South wins.
 
Of course, I was unfortunate enough to be at the lousy end of this faux idealistic notion of such shallow men. So, I felt the need for some answers. So I asked a male friend.

Why?

His answer was simple. Barbies are fun. They look good and all they want to do is have fun and party. The smart ones over think and over analyze situations and we don't have the time to deal with all that bullshit.
 
So what about the ones with beauty AND brains? 

In a sociology case study, a job interview was set up. The applicants consist of Some Hot Thang and a Whats Her Face. Results? The interviewer had more eye contact with Some Hot Thang. 

So just how powerful is beauty? Pretty damn powerful. Ask Aphrodite. But she'll also tell you that just like her fellow comrade, Archilles, there is always a downfall.
Pretty women who excel at work are not taken seriously. You might work just as hard as that uncle frying kuey teow at the corner street but are seen to have climbed the ladder to success because people confuse you with Miranda Kerr on the streets all the time.

I've heard some pretty derogatory comments that suggest, with her pretty face, she's just going to marry some rich man and lead a happy life while we slog like slaves. Some even tell these girls they don't have to study or work too hard because they can snag a rich man with that face and just live life. It's sad that that is all the potential they see in beautiful women. Talk about stereotyping.
 
So just how powerful is beauty? Pretty damn powerful. Ask Peter Parker. But he'll also tell you:
 

"With great power comes great responsibilities".

S1E1 Can Women Have Sex Like Men?

A question that I must say I’m totally not qualified to answer, but my second-hand experience definitely counts for something.

Every gay man is a soundboard to at least one woman, and at some point during the relationship of the fag and the hag, the hag decides to give up on relationships and just “do what a man does.”

Having sex like a man is widely defined as having sex without emotions. Being a woman is widely defined as a being who has way too many emotions. How those two ever clashed in the first place puzzles me.

A friend of mine recently ventured into a “no strings attached” tryst with a traveller she met at a club. They went on dates, they shared a lot of laughs, and they had what she calls the most amazing sex she’s ever had.

So the traveller goes back to his homeland and they decide to “take things one day at a time.” Unless they are on their way to recovery with this AA mantra, women just don’t have the ability to take things one day at a time. And I can say this because I’m part woman.

My friend started going over the edge. She would flip when he didn’t reply phone calls or texts, and ramble on when her Skype date with him was a no-go. How these things aren’t considered strings is beyond me.

As a gay man, almost all the sex I have has no strings – unless the guy I’m with is into shit that involves actual string. It’s just text, fuck, and leave. It’s as simple as that. While I may be part woman, I struggle to understand the emphasis that women put on sex.

Pardon me if this in any way sounds like a woman bashing, because I promise you it’s not. Why do some women insist on experimenting with things they just should not?

Just so you know, ladies, no strings attached means no strings attached. And you wonder why men don’t understand it when you tell them that no means no.

If you’re going to expect him to respond to your non-booty calls, you don’t understand the concept of having sex like a man. Let me put in the simplest way I can think of:

Attempting to change the rules of having a commitment-free fuck fest with someone is like sleeping with a guy who can never get you to climax. The two of you are building castles in the sky and one of you is going home with your shoes full of sand. Now who likes sand in their shoes?

S1E1 - Can Women Have Sex Like Men?

You know, when I said I wish I had more of a 'sex face', I meant one that appeals to men, not an open invitation for men to tell me about their sex lives. Because of this, I have very much learned that women can't have sex like men.

The stories always begin the same. "I met someone and we haven't stopped boning and we agreed, no strings attached. She's cool like that" and it all ends in a similar manner as well, "She wanted more and I couldn't give it to her". Yeah, like you didn't see that coming.

Ever had that one awful looking t shirt that you wear to bed? You deal with its atrociousness by only wearing it to sleep when you're alone. You deal with the shame by not wearing it in public and hiding it when friends sleep over. You think you can live without it only to realize that it is probably one of the most comfortable shirts you can have to sleep in and that's when you start getting attached to it. I have plenty of those. Ones that my mom refuse to wash and hang it for the neighbors to see, which resulted in her having to secretly throw it out when I'm out of town. That to me, is how I perceive casual sex. Everything before the mother bit.

Here's one of the best reply I've heard when I point out said reason to the men who proposed we be fuckbuddies. Bear in mind, it was on two separate occasions. They suggested we have a quota of sex sessions and the moment we hit that quota, we end it. Excuse me sir, firstly, this is not a coupon for a buy 1 free 1 apple pie at The Waffle House. You must be a retard to think there's an expiration date on these things. Secondly, if there's a fixed number of sex sessions to define emotions, the world would have a very very happy ending. And we would love it long time.

So, just like fried chicken, despite knowing the consequences, we do it anyway because we can't help ourselves. We end up building a wall, reminding ourselves how this will never work because his left nut is oval and his right is round. Or how his sneeze sounds like a menstruating cat. We find unnecessary ugly things to make him less appealing. We pick on petty issues to constantly reinforce ourselves to keep it casual. 

Then you have the women who seem nonchalant about the whole thing. What you don't know is, these women think they are the only one because she's somewhat special. Yes, you're as only as the one purple M&M in that M&Ms bag. You're still candy and he will still eat the rest and every last bit of the bag. Why do you think Tiger Woods' mistresses were all shocked and disgusted to find out they weren't the only one? We all would like to believe that despite all that casual boning, it meant something at least. 

My point being, on the surface, these women might put on a facade, appearing to be fine with the only strings they have are ones attached to their clothes, but if you dig deep enough, those are the emotions suppressed and buried underneath all that exterior. 

If you're doing all that's mentioned above, you're having sex like a woman.

Men are able to separate sex and love so well you wonder why can't they do the same with whites and color when it comes to laundry. That being said, with the amount of time we use to analyze and build that wall, they are off watching sports on TV. The irony of it all, they too have the remote.