S1E6 - How Many of Us Out There Are Having GreatSex with People We're Ashamed to Introduce to Our Friends?

There's this game that I enjoy playing with almost everyone I meet. It's a lot like "Who'd You Rather?," except it only has one question.

"Would you rather sleep with a centerfold who's terrible in bed or a paper bag-face who's got the moves to more than compensate?" My answer to this question would be the former. Why? Because I'm a dude and like all dudes, I've been blessed with the ability to get myself off pretty easily. So with a pretty face over (or under. or next to.) me, I'm pretty sure I can get to a happy ending.

However, the sometimes sad reality of the situation is the total opposite. I'll be the first to admit I'm not God's gift to gay men, but some of the men I've been with…let's just say that before I met them, I never thought I'd ever be with them.

Of course, being a gay man comes with a sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Having sex does not come with any obligations or responsibilities, and thank Cher for that.

There's a rule that states that you should never date your fuck buddy. I'm glad I'm an avid rule-follower, because my fuck buddies aren't exactly people I want to be seen with in public.

It's not that I think they're ugly or uninteresting - like I said, I can never picture myself with them. These people have the strangest sense of humor, and they probably won't get along with my friends. Or maybe it's just what I tell myself to console and suppress and my obviously shallow personality.

But hey, I'm not the only out there bedding someone I'd cover with a bed sheet. I asked my friend Fran* and she feels exactly the same way. Some of the people she takes home may have mad skills in the boudoir, but those skills don't translate in public. "It's like eating at KFC. Notice how differently you dive into your fried chicken at home, and how when you eat it at the franchise itself you act like the world is judging you by the way you eat it? It's the same thing - you enjoy it more in the privacy of your own home, by yourself."

Before writing this I've never wondered about it, but now that I'm in the middle of the piece I can't help but wonder™ (Carrie Bradshaw) if I've ever been someone's secret sex. It's not something I'd ideally like to be, but it's inevitable. If you're the kind of person who makes people laugh when you use yourself and immaculate birth in the same sentence, you've probably been someone's secret sex.

Whether it's him not introducing you to his friends whom you bump into on the street, or him taking you to the restaurant that's filled with people on dates with their secret sex you've definitely been there at least once in your life.

So how do we deal with it? Like we deal with everything else like this. The phrase "do unto to others as you would that they should do unto to you" works in the present tense and the past. You'll probably repeat this cycle with your secret sex partner.

But again I reiterate. This person may be great in bed, but there's a reason you don't take them out in the daylight. So no matter how sad, desperate, or lonely you get do not, by any means, attempt to form a relationship. But if you ever do, please give me a ring. I'd love to hear all about it because I think somewhere down the line, I'll have to answer a question on that topic.