S1E7 - In a City Like New York, with Its Infinite Possibilities, Has Monogamy Become Too Much to Ask For?

While I may not live in New York city, the city that I live in has a few things in common with the Big Apple. Both are thriving cities, a fact that mildly cushions the bad traffic, rude people, and expensive lifestyle. And of course, both have people who are in relationships.

At dinner with my friend Farah yesterday, we got to talking about polyamory. If we had this conversation a year ago, I would've been as lost in the conversation as I am when people talk about sports. But last semester, my Histories tutor was an avid practitioner of polyamory, and was extremely vocal about his lifestyle. For those of you are not familiar with it, polyamory is not polygamy (multiple spouses) and it's not the same as being in an open relationship. Polyamory, in a nutshell, is practicing a lifestyle that includes multiple relationships with different people, all of whom are aware of the others.

Why such a topic over dinner when we usually talk about theatre and gossip? Because Farah is dating someone who is polyamorous.

This is the part that I would usually go into a rant about how I miss old-school romance, where there's one man (or woman) for every man (or woman). But if there's anything that I've learned in the past six years, it's that such a thing does not exist. Monogamy has become, to a lot of people, an option. When I'm seeing someone, somewhere between the 10th and 15th date, we have the conversation about exclusivity. As awkward as this conversation may be, it saves a lot of heartache and drama in the future. My stance on it depends on the person I'm dating - if you want to be exclusive, I'm all for it but if you'd like a little leeway, lee away.

Of course there are some who, like me, leave the decision-making to the other person. When faced with such a conundrum, I ask myself, What Would Jesus Barbra Do? Go with the flow. Unless you're completely self-involved, working off what your partner exudes is pretty simple. And when there are no rules to actually follow, it makes things a lot easier.

I'm not advocating open relationships. I'm a sucker for old-school romance. If a guy stood outside my window with a boom box playing my favorite song, my pants would drop faster than a fat kid gorging a KFC bucket. But to me that's what it boils down to. Monogamy is just a rule that people follow to 'keep the peace.' And as alternative as other lifestyles may seem, they too are bound by certain rules. Getting married if you're polyamorous does not work. Not letting your wives know of each other if you're polygamous doesn't work. And sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend when your wife's 'put a ring on it' most definitely doesn't work.

At this point, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm a gay man. Monogamy would sooner be a sex position than an actual point of conversation.

S1E7 - In A City Like New York, With Its Infinite Possibilities, Has Monogamy Become Too Much To Expect?

Monogamy. Polygamy. Twenty years ago, I thought it was a game, a rip off of Monopoly. Ten years ago, I thought it was a shape, a branch out of the polygon. Five years ago, I finally knew the difference and believed monogamy is and will be the only way. Two years ago, I've learned to accept the fact that polygamy is probably a personal life choice these days and I have come to terms with it and embrace it with no judgment.

Notice how everything runs in circles. The world goes round, and if you believe in Buddhism, life is all about birth - death - rebirth, an infinite circle. I would have to say the same goes with history. History repeats itself. 

During the Roman empire, sex was seen as an art form, apart from procreating. Sex was performed on stage, people talked about it like they talk about their children's hate for vegetables. Nudity could be seen in art itself. Sex was as open as everyone's legs. 

Then came the Roman Catholics. They declared everything ancient Roman and ancient Greek pagan. It was a sin. It was deemed satanic. Personally, I think it was a way to control the people. To instill fear and to manufacture a set of rules that they themselves produced so the people would adhere to. So for years and generations, society has been programmed to see sex as something filthy and sinful. 

Which is probably why marriage was generated. So people could sleep with each other legally. And promiscuity could be banished. Another idea about marriage was said to be founded by tribesmen. Where just as they were beginning to learn the value of possession in terms of property and stock, so were women. Marriage was formed to prevent men from fighting over the same woman. So when a man declared a woman his wife, back of, homey! And of course, your property ain't allowed to roam on other mens'.

And just like history, I would like to repeat myself that, history... you got it, repeats itself. One may call it suppression, oppression, mould, call it what you will, but modern society is breaking out of it. Everyone talks about their sex life openly with their friends these days. Sex sells, it's splashed all over the media. But of course, there are limitations to what can or cannot be exhibited in public. But we've come a long way.

So has monogamy become too much to expect? I don't know. This is probably just a twisted way of justifying polygamy. But I believe, when you find the one, all this bullshit will be nothing but the rantings of some nut job who ain't getting any. Or plenty.

S1E6 - How Many of Us Out There Are Having GreatSex with People We're Ashamed to Introduce to Our Friends?

There's this game that I enjoy playing with almost everyone I meet. It's a lot like "Who'd You Rather?," except it only has one question.

"Would you rather sleep with a centerfold who's terrible in bed or a paper bag-face who's got the moves to more than compensate?" My answer to this question would be the former. Why? Because I'm a dude and like all dudes, I've been blessed with the ability to get myself off pretty easily. So with a pretty face over (or under. or next to.) me, I'm pretty sure I can get to a happy ending.

However, the sometimes sad reality of the situation is the total opposite. I'll be the first to admit I'm not God's gift to gay men, but some of the men I've been with…let's just say that before I met them, I never thought I'd ever be with them.

Of course, being a gay man comes with a sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Having sex does not come with any obligations or responsibilities, and thank Cher for that.

There's a rule that states that you should never date your fuck buddy. I'm glad I'm an avid rule-follower, because my fuck buddies aren't exactly people I want to be seen with in public.

It's not that I think they're ugly or uninteresting - like I said, I can never picture myself with them. These people have the strangest sense of humor, and they probably won't get along with my friends. Or maybe it's just what I tell myself to console and suppress and my obviously shallow personality.

But hey, I'm not the only out there bedding someone I'd cover with a bed sheet. I asked my friend Fran* and she feels exactly the same way. Some of the people she takes home may have mad skills in the boudoir, but those skills don't translate in public. "It's like eating at KFC. Notice how differently you dive into your fried chicken at home, and how when you eat it at the franchise itself you act like the world is judging you by the way you eat it? It's the same thing - you enjoy it more in the privacy of your own home, by yourself."

Before writing this I've never wondered about it, but now that I'm in the middle of the piece I can't help but wonder™ (Carrie Bradshaw) if I've ever been someone's secret sex. It's not something I'd ideally like to be, but it's inevitable. If you're the kind of person who makes people laugh when you use yourself and immaculate birth in the same sentence, you've probably been someone's secret sex.

Whether it's him not introducing you to his friends whom you bump into on the street, or him taking you to the restaurant that's filled with people on dates with their secret sex you've definitely been there at least once in your life.

So how do we deal with it? Like we deal with everything else like this. The phrase "do unto to others as you would that they should do unto to you" works in the present tense and the past. You'll probably repeat this cycle with your secret sex partner.

But again I reiterate. This person may be great in bed, but there's a reason you don't take them out in the daylight. So no matter how sad, desperate, or lonely you get do not, by any means, attempt to form a relationship. But if you ever do, please give me a ring. I'd love to hear all about it because I think somewhere down the line, I'll have to answer a question on that topic.

S1E6 - How Many Of Us Out There Are Having Great Sex With People We're Ashamed To Introduce To Our Friends?

Come into my room. Look at my bookshelf. You'll find a bunch of pretentious books. I love reading them. But I love how it makes me look pseudo intelligent even more. And then one night, during a drunken stupor, I start speaking in a Joisy accent and I quote Snooki of Jersey Shore. The fact that you recognize this makes you as guilty as I am. But that's my guilty pleasure. I love trashy TV and I'm not proud to admit it.

We all have skeletons in our closets. I'm running out of room in mine. Here's the thing. There are various reasons why someone would not introduce the person they are sleeping with, even though the sex is awesome. One, he's married or attached. Two, you're married or attached. Three, he's Osama Bin Laden. And four, he didn't like Darwin and decided to evolve halfway from an ape.

I once went out with a 'Three'. No, he doesn't have a beard and loves things that go BANG! Pun intended. Just that everyone hated him - prior to me going out with him. Plus, he had two left feet dancing the horizontal tango, which left me no desire to even broadcast the fact that I was seeing this guy. So why did it matter if my friends knew or not? I guess deep down, I realized it reflected on me. The fact that I'm dating someone that much of a shithead probably makes me that much of a shithead for seeing something in that shithead that must be shit in order for him to be called a shithead. And because they are your friends, you want them to like you for who you've made them believe you are. You've invested all those years, why ruin it now over some shithead?

And then there is that combination of 'One' and 'Two'. The bedroom department might be banging, pun intended. Sometimes you just want to stand on the roof and yell your lungs out because you're that euphoric. And you might want to share it with your friends and introduce this sex god. But the fear of being judged starts creeping in and it will always linger at the back of your mind. You don't want them to think ill of you. Also, seeing that you are a 'One' or 'Two' or a combination of both, it's best if you kept things on the down low. Is it me or does everything reek of double entendres? Jokes aside. You might not be ashamed of what you're doing, but you're ashamed of the outcome and how society perceives you. So what do you do? You keep mum about it. Oh, you also keep her from finding out.

This is what I think. Wouldn't it be or feel great if you could just say "Hi, meet my friend John Jingleheimer Schmidt. By the way, we're fucking and it's awesome!" So don't beat yourself up for being ashamed... just beat off to it. 'Cos trust me honey, it sucks keeping a secret from your friends and it's worse feeling shame.

And lastly, what if the roles were reversed?

S1E5 Where’s the Line Between Professional Girlfriend and Just Plain “Professional”?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no expert at relationships. I’ve had one significant relationship in my life, and the only word I can think of to do it justice is ‘Hindenburg.’

After (and sometimes during) the crash, boom, bang of those four years, I’ve let a lot of men in and out…of my life.

Asking a gay man if he’s ever had sex with a stranger is like asking a woman if she gets cravings during her period. I don’t know if it’s what we’ve learned from pop culture, or whether it’s because there really is a “gay gene,” most gay men are just unable to keep it in their pants. In their defence, I’m speaking from first and second hand experience – of course, not all gay men are whores.

Just last night, I was driving to a bar to watch a friend perform when my phone started ringing. The name that flashed on my screen had an asterisk next to it. And the few people in my phonebook who have asterisks next to their names are men. Go figure.

My co-driver, The Kubster, asked me who that was and I explained that the guy was just someone I met on and off. “On and off? Or in and out?” Leave it to The Kubster to probe with the subtlety of thousand French horns.

It hit me that this wasn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation about the Asterisks Club. And whenever the club comes up, the topic that follows is the one I dread most – the number game. I never know what to think because my number is Switzerland. I’m not Chastity Charice, but nowhere near promiscuous enough for Lifetime to make a TV movie about me. PS: If you haven’t figured out what the number game is, shame on you!


Whenever this water-cooler talk comes up, I can’t help but wonder™ (Carrie Bradshaw) as a gay man, do your numbers define you? If I’m in the single digits does that make me a prude, or does that make me a loyal, almost woman-like lover? And what if I’m in the jaw-dropping tick-box? I don’t want to think that just because I’ve been with a certain amount of people others would start considering me a walking incubus of STDs.

Fortunately, while we gay men are often “gurrllfreennzzz” to our girlfriends, we don’t share anything in this particular predicament. The label ‘gay’ is big enough to wrap around almost every kind of stereotype you find in our little community. If a woman has a lot of partners or sleeps around like a jackrabbit at a carrot party, she’s a whore. If a gay man does the same, he’s “just being a gay man.” If a woman has one or two partners in her lifetime, she’ll be either heralded as the “friend of a friend of a friend who found true love where she least expected it,” or a woman who should’ve been named Prudence. If a gay man does the same, he’s just “being a gay man” but exploring slowly.

Bottom line – it’s good to be gay. Professional boyfriend or just plain professional – the line is so thin that most people just skip from one side to the next as often as they skip from one man to another.

S1E5 - Where's The Line Between Professional Girlfriend And Just Plain "Professional"?

It's a Saturday night. You're at a bar or a club, whichever suits your fancy, and you see this guy you find attractive. Your friends might disagree, but hey, whatever suits your fancy. Seven shots later, you guys are talking. You would exchange phone numbers but that's just cheap. So you exchange emails instead, because that's just a lot classier. You know, by adding each other on Facebook, MSN, MySpace, Twitter, whichever suits your fancy.

Innocent cyber flirting soon turns into full blown cyber sex. So you know the part where it was too cheap to give out your number? Now's probably the time. Here's the thing. What if he called you up and said 

"Come over now. I'm at ..."

Would you do it? I find that most women probably wouldn't. Despite knowing that this is nothing but a booty call, most women want to be wined and dined before taking their panties off. It's the whole idea of being romanced. And also, to be treated with a little more respect. So this is where I wonder, what difference is it than being"professional"? 

A guy once told me, sex is never free. Even if she's not a hooker. You want to sleep or date (and then sleep) with a woman, you have to woo her. You have to play the game and this game is far from free. So technically, all women are whores. That conversation between us didn't end very well. By end, I mean rear end, for my foot was parked in it.

Ever heard the term, to pay in kind? Well, let's face it, women will not jump into bed with a man before foreforeplay. That's everything prior to foreplay. There may not be cold hard cash on the night stand but everything prior to that costs money. I mean yes, we are all capable of paying for our own meals, but when the man offers to pay, that itself is some form of consolation. And because he's such a chivalrous gentleman, would you take your clothes off now?

So where is the the line between professional girlfriend and just plain professional?

The same line that is drawn by social norm. Put a label on it and everything is more justifiable.

She's his girlfriend, so it's OK.

She's not even his girlfriend! What a gold digging whore.

The great thing about labels is, you can put it on and take it off as you like. Unless of course you're a certain Miss Coco Chanel, then you sure as hell would want it on cause that's an extra three grand for you. But that's the beauty of your own brand - attach, detach. Whichever suits your fancy.

S1E4 Are Men in Their 20s the new designer drugs? …I Couldn’t Help But Wonder, What Do They See in Us?

All my life I've always wished that I could attribute a lot of my behaviour to my parents. Whether it’s my blatant camp personality to my mother’s habit of singing along to Streisand, or me dating older men to the possibility that I might have daddy issues.

Not the case, unfortunately. I reap what I sow and that’s only because I sow it myself.

I’ve been dating for longer than I’d like to remember. I say that because you’d think that after all the dates that I’ve been on, at least one of them would’ve stuck around. Alas, I have no such luck. I’m like the Teflon of the dating world.

Almost all the dates I’ve been on and the men that I’ve been in relationships with have been older than me - some significantly older, and some with only a handful of years on me. I’ve never been able to figure out exactly why I’m such an ageist, but I have to admit that I’ve never really given it much thought.

Something else I’ve never given much thought to, is why they date me. But that’s a question that I’ve learned to not touch, even with a ten-foot pole. Until now that is.

I date older men because they are more likely to be on the same wavelength as me. A huge generalisation, yes, but it’s the safest bet. So why is it that they date me? Is it that I’m the mature one or are they weird 30-year-olds, a decade behind themselves? It’s definitely not because I help them feel young again. I’ve been 40 since I was eight, so ‘barking up the wrong tree’ would be the least of their problems.

Just to be clear – when I say ‘older’ men I mean older men, as opposed to ‘old’ men. So when I say that maybe they enjoy having someone they can spoil with their disposable income, I’m referring more towards trophy wives, not daddy buying baby a new fire truck. But that doesn’t make any sense. I may not be shooting Benjamins out of my ass, but I can certainly pick up my own tab. Hell, on a good day I might just be able to pick his up too. That can’t be it now, can it?

I figured the only way to possibly shed some light on this question was to ask one someone I’ve dated. Karl* and I went out for about eight months, and we have about 11 years between us. Karl’s notorious for dating men younger than him. I asked Karl why he went out with me, and what kept us together despite the age difference.

“You were refreshing to go out with. It’s nice to see that there are people so young who are in touch with all things current, but can also contextualise it in a manner not so foreign to us, Gen X.”

So the reason he fancied me was because I was a sort of “Idiot’s Guide.” That’s mighty comforting. And as if that wasn’t enough to burst my little bubble of, “Hey, maybe he just really likes your ass,” he continued:

“Also, it was great that you didn’t have the baggage that seasoned men have. You were pretty easy to handle. No mess, no fuss.”

So is that it? The wisdom beyond my years, my being able to pay for my fuel, and my ability to hold a conversation really fall behind my age? Could it be that no matter how mature I may think I am, at the end of the day I’m just a 20-something guy who makes men feel young and educated on ‘the now?’

As disheartening as it may be, I can’t really complain. While in hetero relationships, women may find the men easy and the men may find the women experienced, in homo relationships the story is just a little different.

I date you because you make me feel like my age is just a number, and that my topics of interest are not ancient. You date me because I’m drama-free and make you feel like your hairline is not receding. That sounds pretty fair.

I scratch your back; you scratch mine - and knowing those gays that’s probably some kinky form of foreplay.