S2E1 - What Are The Break-Up Rules?

Break-up. They couldn’t even find ONE word to describe it that two separate words were needed to describe this ugly thing. To add salt to the wound, there's a dash in between said two words. As if saying, "Hey, this is where we draw the line, aight?"

Speaking of drawing the line, so what happens when you have to purge yourself from someone you’ve dedicated your time and life with for the past (insert period)? It’s never easy because you’re so accustomed to having that person around. You become attached, and having to detach is a wreck. Ever tried peeling a price tag off the back of your new book? Even the aftermath is one big mess, with all that remaining glue, you’ll need more than peeling to get rid of it. Sometimes, it even leaves a stain. Yes, I’m still being figurative.

That’s when we all develop a set of unspoken rules.

Ed’s note: I’ll be covering the rules of a dumpee, seeing that I seem to have a disgusting affinity towards assholes.

Rule #1

Sever all communications. I believe the easiest way to get over someone is to cut all ties. It’s like alcoholism. You say you want to quit but you keep Uncle Jack around the house. Every time you see him, waving and twirling his liquids at you, you’re tempted to lick and swallow that son of a bitch. And one day, you’ll eventually give in to his wet and dark seductive ways.

Communicating with an ex will only reignite old feelings. You end up remembering how good you guys used to be, and forgetting why it never worked out in the first place. You will want to get back together and if you do, congratulations if it works out. But sometimes those issues creep back in and you end up where you started; Rule #1.

Rule #2

Remove him/her from all social networks. Cyberstalking may not officially be a crime… yet. But it is definitely detrimental to your mental health. Physical too, if you start to get too annoying. You will go insane wondering who’s this new bitch/prick your ex added. And that thought will escalate to questions like “How did they meet?” “Are they hooking up?” “Shit, is she/he better looking than me?” And then it proceeds to you saving the link of his/her picture and spamming it to your friends with subject that says something along the lines of “Check out this 2 buck whore my cuntbag ex is boning”.

Rule #3

Dispose everything that reminds you of him or her. If the gifts were expensive, try www.ebay.com. This works both ways, really. Firstly, out of sight, out of mind. And secondly, when your new beau comes along, there’s no need to have that awkward moment when he/she first comes over and sees your past mementos sprawled all over your bedroom like a crime scene. If you’re a guy, it’ll save you jealous outrages and more ravages in bed.

Rule #4
Please, no re-fucking the ex. That's like going through your garbage and eating that cheese pizza from three nights ago. Not only is it unhealthy and disgusting beyond belief, it will definitely make you sick.

Rules may or may not help aid a broken heart. It all boils down to time, strong will, and patience. Cry your heart out, make voodoo dolls. It does get better eventually. Like they say, breaking up is hard to do. No shit, Neil Sedaka.