S2E1 - What Are The Break-Up Rules?

Break-up. They couldn’t even find ONE word to describe it that two separate words were needed to describe this ugly thing. To add salt to the wound, there's a dash in between said two words. As if saying, "Hey, this is where we draw the line, aight?"

Speaking of drawing the line, so what happens when you have to purge yourself from someone you’ve dedicated your time and life with for the past (insert period)? It’s never easy because you’re so accustomed to having that person around. You become attached, and having to detach is a wreck. Ever tried peeling a price tag off the back of your new book? Even the aftermath is one big mess, with all that remaining glue, you’ll need more than peeling to get rid of it. Sometimes, it even leaves a stain. Yes, I’m still being figurative.

That’s when we all develop a set of unspoken rules.

Ed’s note: I’ll be covering the rules of a dumpee, seeing that I seem to have a disgusting affinity towards assholes.

Rule #1

Sever all communications. I believe the easiest way to get over someone is to cut all ties. It’s like alcoholism. You say you want to quit but you keep Uncle Jack around the house. Every time you see him, waving and twirling his liquids at you, you’re tempted to lick and swallow that son of a bitch. And one day, you’ll eventually give in to his wet and dark seductive ways.

Communicating with an ex will only reignite old feelings. You end up remembering how good you guys used to be, and forgetting why it never worked out in the first place. You will want to get back together and if you do, congratulations if it works out. But sometimes those issues creep back in and you end up where you started; Rule #1.

Rule #2

Remove him/her from all social networks. Cyberstalking may not officially be a crime… yet. But it is definitely detrimental to your mental health. Physical too, if you start to get too annoying. You will go insane wondering who’s this new bitch/prick your ex added. And that thought will escalate to questions like “How did they meet?” “Are they hooking up?” “Shit, is she/he better looking than me?” And then it proceeds to you saving the link of his/her picture and spamming it to your friends with subject that says something along the lines of “Check out this 2 buck whore my cuntbag ex is boning”.

Rule #3

Dispose everything that reminds you of him or her. If the gifts were expensive, try www.ebay.com. This works both ways, really. Firstly, out of sight, out of mind. And secondly, when your new beau comes along, there’s no need to have that awkward moment when he/she first comes over and sees your past mementos sprawled all over your bedroom like a crime scene. If you’re a guy, it’ll save you jealous outrages and more ravages in bed.

Rule #4
Please, no re-fucking the ex. That's like going through your garbage and eating that cheese pizza from three nights ago. Not only is it unhealthy and disgusting beyond belief, it will definitely make you sick.

Rules may or may not help aid a broken heart. It all boils down to time, strong will, and patience. Cry your heart out, make voodoo dolls. It does get better eventually. Like they say, breaking up is hard to do. No shit, Neil Sedaka.

SEASON 1 END

S1E12 - Are Relationships the Religions of the 90s?

I have not seen Caitlin in years since A Levels. We decided that a catch up session was way overdue and made plans to meet last Friday. Even though Cait and I barely meet, and our conversations are rather sporadic, what's great about our friendship is that we can always pick up from where we left off.

Three hours into our catching up, I began to realize that we've spent 95% of those hours talking about men. Dated, dating, and want to date. We could've caught up about work, family, uni life but yet, the chosen topic was men. Back in Jersey, when I hung out with my girlfriends and met their friends, it all boils down to the same thing as well. They would ask questions like "So are you still seeing so and so" and it proceeds to "how's it going", "why didn't it work out", and "what a jerk off he is". I used to pride myself in being one of those girls who aren't boy crazy but this made me think, why are we so fixated on this subject?

I honestly believe the age factor plays a big part. The older you get, the higher the pressure. Everyone seems to be in a rush to find someone they can settle down with. It's a chase society secretly organized the moment you hit 25 and aren't even aware you're a part of.

You can tell how society places relationships on such a high pedestal these days with all the matchmaking services out there. You have a million online dating sites, classifieds to find your 'soul mate' in newspapers daily, match making companies, and last but not least, speed dating. Yes, we want to find someone so bad that we have compromised time. We've cheapened the whole value and sentiment of actually meeting someone and slowly getting to know that person.

As Caitlin puts it, at our age, all the good ones are taken. The ones left are usually damaged or there's probably something wrong with them. So, personally, I believe we're just worried there aren't any decent ones left and this results in us to subconsciously be on a perpetual quest to look for someone special until those vows are exchanged.

But here's my two cents, you don't rush an artist when he's painting his masterpiece, do you? So please people, calm the fuck down.

S1E12 Are Relationships the Religion of the 90s?

Seven years ago I met the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. We met through a group of mutual friends, at a bar where we all got together for mid-week drinks. I’ve almost never hung around people my own age. These people were all fresh graduates, with new jobs and pay checks they thought they have to contribute to happy hour.

When we met I was instantly smitten. We had a seven-year age gap, which when you think about it is not too bad. I was seven years younger to a newly-minted professional. You do the math.

Four years we spent together - four amazing, wonderful, tumultuous and torturous years. It took me a year to get over him, and another year before I started talking to him again. In that time, I never had a (comparatively) significant relationship. At first it was because I didn’t want one – I had spent the better part of my prime as a gay man in a monogamous (well, given his history SOMEWHAT monogamous) relationship. I felt that it was time I spread my wings. And by wings I mean legs.

So I did. In between all of that I did have my fair share of ‘boyfriends.’ There were some guys that I met whom I felt I could not just be in a physical relationship with. Safe to say none of those worked out because two years and countless men (okay, maybe four) later, I’m back at square one. I don’t want a relationship.

I’ve been seeing this great guy for about six months now. We’re not in a relationship. We sleep together. He buys me soup when I’m sick. I pick him up when he’s stranded at the train station. I feel upset when he does not show up for my performances. He thinks I should make an effort to meet his friends. That’s what no strings attached is, right? Clearly I’m a pro.

I found out a few months ago that my ex-boyfriend (the first one) met the girl (yes, he’s one of those mythical ‘real’ bisexuals) of his dreams, and they’ve decided to get married.

Why would I want a relationship? The only man I ever saw myself with is getting married. I’m in a non-relationship relationship with a guy I had a no-strings agreement with. My life is in perfect order. Who needs a relationship? I don’t.

S1E12 How Often is Normal?

Sher and I were having our bi-monthly margarita-Tuesdays when our conversation somehow segued into sex. Conversation about sex, I mean. Sher and I were never incredibly close, but over the past few months we’ve grown fond of the other’s company, and quite enjoy our little sessions. It’s like going home for lunch, but having an afternoon delight instead. The only way I can express the pleasure I feel after.

We’re both in very different places in our lives. Sher has been with her boyfriend for almost three years, and they could not be more in love. He’s gone back to his home country to finish his medical residency, so they are trying the whole long-distance thing. I’ve never believed in those kinds of relationships but if anyone could make it work, it would be Sher. I, on the other hand, am single but not available.

I remember when I was in her position – a steady, solid, monogamous relationship. I also remember how despite how adventurous, willing, and driven my partner and I were, the fireworks in the bedroom got less bright and exciting as time went on. It’s not that we were not attracted to each other, because we were. But things just changed, and priorities and what we “get off on” shifted.

Clearly I was the only one at the table who experienced this.

“What does that even mean? How can it fizzle out?”

Silly, naive girl. Clearly her relationship was not as mature as mine. Eventually things change and the relationship grows.

“Don’t get me wrong, that’s great and all but how often did you guys do it?”

What a nosy parker. Was she fishing for tips because she knew what a great relationship I had? So I told her. When we first started going out we were at it like rabbits, and as time progressed we went into double-rabbit mode. But as time kept moving on, the rabbits were released and we were down to maybe twice a week.

“I’m a year short of your relationship, and we do it about eight times a week.”

Hahah. What a liar. I can see right through her.

“I’m not saying it proves anything, but I can’t imagine it any other way. We don’t HAVE to have sex all the time, but we just can’t help ourselves sometimes. I mean yes, sometimes we have to make sure we do but more often than not, it just happens and poof – eight times a week.”

Please. Eight times a week. Clearly her relationship is nowhere near the seriousness and commitment of where my relationship was. Eight times a week? That’s still the puppy love stage. Whatever, Sher.

“Do you think that not doing it as often was part of why you guys broke up?”

WHATEVER, SHER!