S1E10 ...Was I Next?

I’ve never liked driving down to Johor. It’s a long, tiring, and mostly unrewarding journey.

But this time it was different.

We were visiting one of our best friends, Sasha. Over the past five years, the five of us have done some pretty crazy things together, Sasha, Momes, Geeps, Fran and myself. From drunken nights to baked afternoons, we’ve created some pretty awesome memories for ourselves.

Sasha always was the craziest one. The one who always got the party going; the one who was the first and last on the dance floor; the one who was on a two-year probation for being under the influence.

Yeah, Sasha was always the “fun” one in any group.

Driving to Johor with our hipster music and Nicole Richie sunnies, we couldn’t help but reminisce on the good times we shared with Sasha. Before heading down to Johor, we thought it’d be best if we got her something.

“Would weed be an appropriate gift?” Momes asked. As much as she would love it, it just wouldn’t be right. You see, Sasha just had a baby, and we had no idea how to react.

After years of battling with it on so many levels, I’ve come to terms with the idea that I’ll probably never have a family. But with all that’s been going on around me, I really can’t help but wonder – what would happen if I had a baby? Judging by the turn of events (I’ve spent a total of eight-hundred and twenty-five dollars on baby gifts) it seems like it’s only a matter of time before I pop one out myself.

Whenever any of my friends have babies, I always freak. As much as I’d hate to believe it, it’s true – people do change after they have babies. Sasha was nowhere near as crazy as she once was. Dummies replaced shot glasses and hidden compartments that once held spliffs now had emergency diaper-rash lotion.

I was a little disoriented when we were leaving Sasha’s to head back to our hotel. I looked around at my remaining three friends and arranged them according to who would have a baby first. Just as I was about to burst into tears realising that in three years I’d be ditched for diapers, Sasha pulled me in for a goodbye hug.

“Baby or no baby, I’m expecting rounds on you and J’s on the rest when I’m back home.”

S1E9 In a City of Great Expectations, Is It Time to Settle For What You Can Get?

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a gay man, or because I’m Indian…or because I’m both, that the word ‘settling’ has never had such a negative connotation to it.

While it’s social suicide to say that in the circles I move within, it really is something that I believe in. My surroundings as a child gave me the idea that settling is not so much giving up and cashing in the closest thing you have. It’s more of just taking whatever you have at the moment and making the most of it.

I say all these things but like most people, when push comes to shove I react completely differently.

Just a few months ago I met the man I thought was perfect for me. He had every box ticked. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He was smart, funny, and had good taste in music and literature. He carried himself very well; spoke more than two languages and best of all…a Ceylonese boy. Jackpot, yes?

No.

After the first two somewhat blissful months, the perfection started to melt off like pharmacy-brand make-up in Malaysian weather. This man whom I strived for years to meet ended up, like most men, a total douche bag. He was in a relationship with someone else – and had been in that relationship for three years.

Long story short that was the end of a tumultuous two months. What does this have to do with settling?

A few weeks ago I bumped into an old friend, BMan. We’ve been friends for a good four years, and BMan’s had a crush on me for three of the four.

I’m not condoning it, nor am I saying it’s the right thing to do. I’m not settling with BMan. I’m simply exploring options that I usually wouldn’t under any other circumstance.

Is that just a nicer way to articulate ‘settling?’ I don’t think so.